The man who won’t talk to me.

lulaavila bikini

He won’t talk to me because i won’t talk to him.

We’re doing it again.

 

There was a reason when i was 15, another when i was 18, small ones, big ones. Some go on for years, some only for hours. Some were broken only by funerals or weddings, some were my fault, some his, some i forgot, some still hurt.

Everything gets more dramatic by the fact that i hate talking, and he hates talking.

 

He sits down for dinner at 8, alone.

I sit down for dinner at 8, alone.

But are we ever alone, really?

 

The man who won’t talk to me was there during huracans, storms, earthquakes, hospitals, break-ups, 

He never said a word, but he was always there in the middle, like a tall, dark haired ghost in a trench coat.

 

The man who won’t talk to me has no mouth but the most important things need no words.

 

And we now sit on the same white room on oppossite sides of the bench and we have no idea what to say.

-The weather? fine.

And we play with our hands, with our hair, we stare at the walls, at our phones.

-My kid? She’s doing great, she’s amazing. But i fucked up again, i need help.

-No problem.

 

I turn my head so he doesn’t see i’m about to cry, but he’s not staring anyway.

His head is also turned the other way.

 

The man who won’t talk to me never said a word, but he taught me everything.

Dear Paula this is planet earth

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I’m 24, I’m just an immature fool, and  I’m here sitting down at the lobby of the hospital signing a paper bargaining a life, taking all the guilt off the hospital in case something goes wrong and the patient dies, the patient is about to have it’s body cut open, the patient is 3 days old, it’s you.

Dear Paula we all make mistakes and then we have to pay them, it seems really unfair to me that you that haven’t made any yet already have a debt. Shouldn’t people have lived a little before they have to fight for their life? Shouldn’t they have learned some self-defense? A karate kick? Be able to talk?

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I believe in letting people know what they are getting into before they decide. I can’t get you out of here with your IV, i can’t bring all the things i want to show you to your hospital bed, so i’ll do the best i can…

Dear Paula this is planet earth:

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And that small black spot at the left is you. Don’t see it? Ah, sorry, let’s do a close up.

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That right there is you.

Yeah, you are really, really, REALLY small, and sometimes you will feel even smaller than that.

But there are all kinds of pretty things in here, like bunny rabbits, music, nice smelling flowers and puppies and candy.

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And my favorite animal, big beautiful giraffes with necks so long you want to slide through them.

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But earth is not always this happy and clean in it’s handsome hat. There are also bad things over here, like diseases, bad hair days, and hate, there’s a lot of that…

There are people who were not born as lucky as you and will make very silly things, like take things that are not theirs, like lives, or women, or they will hate others for falling in love with someone wearing pants instead of a skirt, super silly right? When you encounter this kind of people (Oh, you will!) Don’t lose your temper, don’t get upset, don’t hate them and don’t push them down, on the contrary, pull them up. It might not make a difference, they’ll probably don’t listen, they might throw your help back on your face like a basketball and you might end up feeling worst, do it anyway. Giving is not a multiplayer game. You give, sometimes you lose, then you start a new game and give again.

This is the person you have to help you along during this life:

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No,no,no, wait, wait, not that one…

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this is me, i’m your mom, and those fat cheeks you have are because i love cheese. Truth is i have no idea how to drive, so if you decide to come along, it’s gonna be a slow and bumpy ride.

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And this is your daddy, he likes playing with machetes (No! You can´t touch one until you are 30) and he finds lethal, poisonous animals who bite if you get too close, like scorpions and spiders, misunderstood and adorable (probably why he loves me, heh)

We made you with a little heart inside your chest, with nothing but a layer of skin to protect it, the fact that you have it, means that it will be broken, don’t be afraid, use it anyway. Make it run, get it out of your chest, let it get burned, it only means that it works, it’s the only way to make it grow.

Your passport will say that you are French, don’t pay attention to this, is a silly thing silly people make, we are all from everywhere, frontiers are made to jump them, languages to be spoken, different colors to be mixed, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Some people fall in love with money, they will try to sell you happiness and block your path with their shiny black cars, get away from them baby, they are the poorer of us all, even if you have to take the long way, retreat your steps and find a different road.

Dear Paula i won’t start our relationship with an order so, I won’t ask you to stay, at the end is your fight, not mine, so you are free to decide. This is what you are getting yourself into if you decide to come out of those silver doors alive. If you don’t I won’t be upset, i will be really sad but i won’t be upset.

Dear Paula this is planet earth, this is your family, this is me, we are kind of broken and we’ll give you a hard time, but we are yours and we have everything ready for you if you decide to stay. Paula this are the cards you got, are you in?

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(2010)