Dear men everywhere, we screwed up.

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Let’s begin this by confirming that you are actually a man.

Get a bit away from the screen, take your hands and feel your body. Touch your shoulders, your flat chest, your hairy face, everything, all good? No changes, you are still a male? Good.

Well, by the simple fact that you look like that you intimidate me.

If you sit too close to me on the tube i will move a little farther, if I’m walking by myself in the street at night and i see you coming the other way i will hug myself and change sidewalks. In simple words i don’t trust you.

Is this a normal way to feel? Am I just a bad experiences Mojito? Or is this problem wider?

Shouldn’t we feel protected with one another, man and woman, wasn’t it us against the world?

What happened to us?

And I know not all relationships, or all man, are the same, but if i look around me i see everyone I love being hurt. i see my friends being treated like accessories, being pushed around, I see a lot of marriages that start with excuses. I see love being used as power, and being played as a game.

And we seem to accept that. We make thousands of excuses, we say well… “Love hurts”.

Really? Love hurts? That is like saying a big, red, delicious apple “hurts” it doesn’t, it does if someone throws it in your face, it does. But the apple by nature is a peaceful lad.

Love is pretty cool too, like a surfer.

Dear men let’s try to understand this one, let’s go back, REALLY back, here take my hand, let’s walk back in time together.

Before the 90’s, before the 60’s, before any social roles existed, really back, before the 30’s, before skirts and pants, even before the snake and the apple, when it was really just you and me.

Look around, look everywhere, look at all the other live things…

There is sky and earth, There is Mr. Bunny with Mrs. Bunny, Mr. Bird and Mrs. Bird flying around, The fish have other fish, look at the ants, they have other ants, and now look in front of you.

Hi

You have me.

I am the ONLY living thing in this entire world made especially for you.

I am the only place where you fit perfectly.

I don’t know if we are halves of a whole, but i do know that we match, and that if we take off all this stupid accessories, clothes, trimmings, pride, and fancy things that we walk around in these days, if we strip down to the core again we´ll fit.

I am your gift and you are mine.

Why don’t you treat me like that?

What happened to us?

I see my girlfriends rising up like phoenix from heart breaks, proud to be alone, proud to be independent. Love? Haha no time for love!

And I see my boyfriends chasing business, chasing fame, chasing money, carrying love in the trunk of their car, and throwing it out when it gets to heavy. I see dad’s working extra hours to pay for those vacations in Paris, getting home late and too tired to hug.

Is that really something good? Did we really got to the point where we see love as a weakness? As a hindrance?

When did we started attacking us and competing against each other as two different species, when all we are is two genders of the same thing?

Maybe i’m too young and foolish but i still believe that love is around and can be saved.

I am not ashamed to admit that i am only where i am because of you, i am able to write because I’ve been madly in love with you. I write because you exist. I only exist if you do. I only WANT to exist if you do. There is no other choice, no more options, no way out for me, i love you.

And there must have been a woman in your life who has made you feel like that, who made you what you are now.

There has got to be one that stands out above the others. There always is.

Picture the woman now, picture HER.

It doesn’t have to be romantic love, it doesn’t have to be a lover. Picture your sister, your daughter, your mom, your grandmother, an ex-girlfriend. The one you’ll be lost without. The one who always gave you all.

What have you done for her lately, or in your entire life?

Are you the most important man in theirs? The one that changed their lives?

Why not?

Because you could have been you know?

Why were you not?

Why you didn’t give her your best, you idiot?

This little thing stopping you is what’s eating love alive, this little thing that stops us from giving more when we know we could is what it’s making a wall between us and setting us apart.

Dear men can we bring that wall down and be on the same side again?

Why don’t we start right now, even if it’s brick by brick.

I think we can do it, I think is worth the try, and you?

No, no, but don’t answer ME.

Tell HER, tell that woman.

She deserves it, maybe it’s not too late.

Go find her, give your answer.

If you do it right, i’ll have mine.

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24 thoughts on “Dear men everywhere, we screwed up.

  1. Dayle

    That is the conundrum isn’t it? We are meant to fit together and love each other but it ends up causing so much pain. I love the way you have written this 🙂

      1. Dayle

        You are right and it works both ways. I know what it feels like to be truly, deeply, madly in love and there is nothing in this world better.

  2. I believed in that kind of love as a young man. While I never lost complete faith in it, over the course of 15 years in an unfulfilling marriage I have to admit it waned. Ironically, it wasn’t until that marriage ended that I rediscovered my faith in the kind of love that constantly reminds you — through shared looks, words, laughs and instinctive embraces — that you are exactly where you are supposed to be in any given moment because of the person you are in love with.

  3. Now that’s some powerful writing. I have been in a relationship for twenty-three years; on the love side it has been tough. We have now reached a level of enjoyable companionship, it’s still love, we still hug, hold hands, laugh. After so long together do we have a right to demand anymore from each other, she loves me in a fashion, me vice-a-verse. My point is, love is a living thing, it needs to grow, but individuals need to give it the time to grow, and patience for it to mature.

  4. This response is likely to be of the TLDR nature. But I think about love, and human nature a lot. I also recently sat in a psychology course taught by a colleague on Love, Lust and Attachment. It was fascinating.

    I think you were the only one who liked my post sort of asking the similar question that you have, but from a different perspective. Despite the complimentary roles that male and female play, there are many examples in nature where there is inequality between the genders and so nothing in nature says that we have to be on the same team. At best we have to survive and reproduce anyway we can. Given that we are over 7 billion people now on the planet, one might argue that we are doing pretty well. But perhaps this is a case of getting ahead ourselves without considering how we’ve got to this place. It happens to plenty of species where their ability to populate actually does them harm. In the simple rabbit vs. foxes population dynamics…when their are many rabbits to eat allowing the foxes to live food rich lives they prosper, but so much so that many rabbits start to get eaten as the fox population goes up, and all of sudden the foxes find themselves with not enough rabbits and foxes begin start to starve to death as food becomes scarce. To find that ultimate equilibrium with nature is difficult, and we have the ability to do a much better job than we are showing right now.

    For most of our evolution we were in the wild. In the wild, life is tough. Survival is not easy. Our children are relatively helpless for several years, and this slows down our growth rate naturally to have kids about every 4 years as one kid has to be old enough to run with the group before having another baby. Food is scarce when you are hunting and gathering, any energy you spend on fighting, on hurting others in your group, is bad for the group survival, and wastes precious calories that could be used elsewhere. Hunter gatherer societies today tend to be far more egalitarian amongst genders, because everybody has to play their role for the survival. That being said, anthropologically studies show that a man who is sexually aggressive and has sex with more women is more likely to pass on his genes that one who is not. So natural selection may have favored more aggressive men. Often they might not be aggressive to their own group, but raping women of enemy tribes was pretty common, and abortion would of course not have really been possible back then. Nevertheless we tend to treat women, even in our own community or society a lot worse than many hunter gatherers. So the question is why?

    I think it has to do with what we call “civilized society” which when you look at it has been pretty uncivilized compared to many hunter gatherer societies. With the advent of farming, came sedentary populations and rapid population growth. It led to a life where a few people could grow the food and many people could get energy, and lots of it. It led to great things like the specializations of medicine, science, philosophy, law. But also led to a lot of disparity in wealth, disparity in education, organized religion and politics. It led to one group of people being able to oppress and control other groups of people. This included the subjugation of women. As long they kept increasing the population, there was no need to educate them or give them any rights at all, because no longer was their active participation in society crucial for its survival. They became property to hand over to the man. And dark times for women still exist in many countries today. Remember that even poorer countries have agricultural and thus class based societies.

    In reading many articles about love from a psychological point of view, the intense feeling of love is not something that is meant to less, and it simply doesn’t. It’s supposed to get you to the point of mating, producing a child, and then last long enough for the kid to be able to have a decent enough running speed for getting away from predators and moving with a roaming tribe. From their it tends to evolve into attachment which is a much more powerful human emotional system, because it is attachment that gives us friendship, trust, loyalty, etc. In order to have this type of relationship with a woman, a man must believe that a woman is equal, much like a good friendship requires the feeling that both are equal. Modern society still reinforces the idea that women are not equal. That feminine qualities in a man are bad, and that the most important thing for women is how they look. It took me a long time to realize what a position of privilege I enjoy as a man, and until you realize that, it skews your relationships, no matter how well intentioned you might be. The idea that love is a separate behavioral system is actually an area of much debate in psychology. Where as lust, and attachment have been shown to be completely biological. Romantic love may simply be a tool that helps us satisfy the other two. But the biological perspective doesn’t matter really, because love IS a wonderful thing. And a humanity has at least done a good job of celebrating it. Love itself doesn’t hurt. Loss of love hurts. But I believe that we need to be reflective and take a little bit of the scientific perspective to love, because feeling love isn’t enough. We actually need to learn how to love each other better, and not all of us are taught the right ways to love. Just like as I learn how to love my child, its not enough that I just feel it, I need to actually think about how to be a good parent, how to teach the lessons I have to teach, and how best to express the love in my heart that will have meaning to him. Ultimately to love well you have to think about who you are trying to love. Talk to them, really think about how they want to be loved, not just about how you want to express it. Your expression might flow naturally, but it might not be what is meaningful to them. Loving someone in a way that they want to be loved, demonstrates how important they are to you. If each person does that in any kind of loving relationship, you have equality. 🙂

    1. Oh I could go on with this subject forever too, might even change my opinion about it every couple of months. But i love thinking about it and trying to put something together.

      I lived this separation between man and woman really strongly growing up. I grew up in a small ville in the desert of Mexico, and we are still worst than a third world country when it comes to gender equality.

      I don’t know if you are familiar with the term “macho” which defines Mexican man and the way are the “law”. The caricature of this Mexican man is a lazy, drunk who does as he pleases and has a bunch of women. And sadly they do exist and girls ARE attracted to this kind of man.

      Poor families tend to have 5 or 6 kids, (I’ve met one of 14!) they obviously can’t afford to support them all, since the minimum wage in here is about 4 US dollars the day for a 9 hour workday. So the girls are basically born to support the men, little sisters leave school at 8 or 9 years old and start working to help pay for their brothers school. Since you know, woman can’t “make it” out there, is not even an option for them.

      So their future is limited from the start. This idea that they are not as good enough as men never leaves their head.

      It’s so interesting what you say about natural selection, how the most aggressive men genes were the ones that survived. I had never thought about it that way.

      It has nothing to do with the subject but this reminded me of how in Spain people use the term “hijo de puta” (son of a bitch) to insult, joke with friends, or whatever, but here in Mexico we say “hijo de la chingada” la chingada were the Mexican women who were raped by the Spanish during colonization. Funny no? how it’s even a worst insult to us, to be son of a raped woman that to be the son of a prostitute. Even if in both cases the situation is not even the woman’s fault.

      I love the example you used about parenting, it’s true, you can’t just tell a newborn you love him, it’s useless for him, you need to work, to give him all.

      I can’t start explaining or defining love because my head would just explode. I really don’t know yet if I believe it lasts forever, or if we can find someone that can give us exactly what we want without having to make an extra-effort, but just because their way is our same way.

      It just sounds so difficult, I mean, even if we do find someone, our needs change with time, and maybe the needs of our partners go the other way, and then what?

      It sounds so difficult, and to be honest i don’t have any answers, only opinions based of the life I’ve had. But i like to keep believing and I do love to hear what other people with different experiences think about it.

      I need to make peace with science, I tend to dream so much haha but I just can’t stop thinking that if we weren’t distracted by so many useless things as we are today, we could give so much more as human beings.

      A pleasure discussing with you, as always 🙂

      1. My sister is in love with the Latin culture and despite how attractive she finds Latin men she finds it hard to find one that thinks of women as equal. It is especially sad when it culture oppresses a gender so strongly that they actually become compliant with accepting their position in society, like the women fawning over the ‘macho’ men, or women accepting wearing a burka in Islamic countries. Gender inequality tends to persist strongest in countries where women are not well educated in comparison to men.

        Your comment about “our needs changing with time” is an astute one as we discussed this issue in the class as well. Many people’s views of love tend to conform to a static model of love, and this is true for many early psychological theories concerning love as well. New theories regarding love are what are called “temporal models” because they recognize that how we love someone changes with time and also much change according to the fact that we change, and the people we love also change. Even how we might love someone when we are 20, might be very different to how we love someone when we are 40. As individuals I find that we often sort of do the same things over time. As in: “Well this is how they felt loved when we met, so it must still work now”.

        My wife and I almost got divorced as we hit a very rough patch in our marriage. The only wisdom I can say that I gained from the experience is that I realized that I had been loving her in the way that I wanted to love her, not in the way that she wanted to be loved. I think this was the case on her part too. It seems obvious now, but I think we all tend to lean towards showing love in a way that we want to receive it rather than thinking about how the other person wants to be loved. That’s why I think that when we love, we have to find a way, in our rush to give love, to also think about how the person we are loving wants to be loved. Ultimately I think we only learn how to love from the relationships we see in life, and everybody received a very different lesson and so no two people are going want to receive love in the exact same way. On top of that you just have to keep communicating and talking so that as we change and the person we love changes we can be as aware as possible to adapt to those changes. It takes work in the long term, which is a sharp contrast to that initial stage of falling love which is completely effortless. Why can’t it always be that easy? 🙂

        Some people never put their heart out there for fear of what happens to it, the fact that you do makes you not only brave but strong. It’s so beautiful to see. You are certainly the type to love well instead of love safe. And people who can love well is what makes life worth living, but it’s a journey that’s sadly filled with a lot of pain. I guess truly no good things in this world ever come easy. 🙂 Thank you for putting your heart out there Lula. 🙂

  5. This does make me a bit sad, because I am in total agreement.There are times that I become ashamed of what the nature of man has become. But like you said, we are not all like that. I do hope you come across a man that gives you a spark of that trust back. I would like to say more, but I’m afraid I could go on for pages. Love.

  6. My Sister(s). Whom I (We) betrayed

    Your words are true, we are the only ones for each other
    And I have not always been that one you dreamed of, that perfect mate
    Neither you for me
    Yet, in our imperfection, we form the perfection
    It was our eyes that strayed. We lost the view of one another.
    We contracted a blindness the stripped us of the ability to see more than one dimension of ourselves.
    I was the breadwinner, the provider the vehicle for economic wherewithal. And when I failed there I had no value.
    You were the shining jewel, the sexual bond, the amorous muse but as the grass became greener and physical beauty a function of the skin trade, that vision too went awry
    And so we stood as mutual failures in one another sight and we separated
    Not because we did not love or because we did not know we were the only fulfillment of one another
    But because we both felt ourselves inadequate in a world that demanded so much and then more
    When all we had was all we had and when we forgot that it was because of “we” that we had it
    So I went my way without leaving and so did you
    We were together apart and apart together, inside and out
    I still believe in love. I know its is somewhere out there, but first I had to discover it in here
    And I hope you see it in your own mirror
    And when he have found that first relationship of unconditional love that He gives
    Then we can rediscover each other
    Let’s make a great adventure. Turn out the lights of the worldly gaze and feel around in the darkness of the spirit for each other’s heartbeat
    And when we find them, may we find them in sync with each other
    Hold my hand, let’s be friends, for friends are the only ones who can become lovers in time
    Tell me what brings joy to your heart and I will share the same
    And let’s do and say and go and work towards those things and commit to never again being too tired or worn
    And if again our eyes stray, let us this time remember that whatever is without and however it appears, it is not ours
    For you are mine, and I am yours

    (Shared by one artist to another. thank you for your inspiration. I too believe in and look for love. I have not found it yet, but perhaps your words tell me is just beyond the eternal horizon, as far as the dawn but as close as the wind upon a smile)

    Peace and blessings. Imani AKA Reapa

  7. I very much enjoyed this! In my case, I have always been attracted to independent, intelligent, and ambitious women…my marriage lasted 20 years and there were many days where I was home alone with my children (love my children!). My ex-wife would always say, “career and children first, then you somewhere on the list.” It’s incredible that I took that type of punishment but I did out of blind love. And, it’s been over 5 years now and I can see how poisonous that marriage was. I have the deepest respect for women who work hard to achieve both personally and professionally and you are so right; the average man is a beast that prefers animality over spirituality. Again, your words really struck home! Thank you! ~ Phillip

    1. Hi Phillip, thanks for opening up. And wow, i can’t believe she would say something like that to your face, i really hope you find someone who can appreciate you, i think you are really talented.

  8. Very heartfelt and so accurate in so many ways. We are not supposed to feel separated but everyone does and deals with it differently as well as growing up with different concepts of what love really is. There is the real problem. Perception. We have to be able to view each other through shared vision. Not from the “I” all the time but the “we” that is necessary for any union to be successful. Great post. I hope “he” shows up for you, sweetheart.

      1. Well hang in there. My son feels the same way about the “she” of his hopes. He is 24. And already disillusioned. There are people who live, feel and act upon those emotions and there are those that mimic and act out what they have seen before or watch in others and admire. Be genuine. You are a lovely person.

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