Francine, Charlie and the impossible game.

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People used to ask if we were sisters. Remember that? We had the same skin tone, the same dark eyes and we used to dress alike, i would copy everything you did, or you were copying me, it’s hard to tell. We would just giggle and answer that we were, or say that we were just cousins, or the truth, that we were best friends.

We would walk around with our arms entwined, and laugh about everyone else as if we understood the world. Is there someone more important than a best friend when you are 17?

And with all the tastes we shared, unluckily, it happened that we also shared the same taste in men. So Charlie came along, and everything changed.

The three of us would go out together and i believe that at first he was selecting, he wasn’t exactly sure what he wanted, so he would move from one side of the table to the other, he touched my leg under the table, and a few minutes later, i’m now sure, he touched yours. We wouldn’t say anything but we were competing.

We started talking less, started keeping secrets. By the end of the year we were both madly in love with him, but would deny it if asked, we started lying to each other, quietly hating the other a bit, and the friendship cracked in two.

Then came the afternoon in march when you called me, and asked me if i happened to remember Charlie? – You tried to sound surprised here, i give you that-, well Charlie had out of the blue confessed that he had a crush on you, you started dating a while ago and now he was your boyfriend, Who knew? Right?

You are such a horrible liar Francine.

And in a second my sky fell all around me, i spent weeks glued to the bed with a package of klennex. You would call me every day at first, saying that you missed me, that we should all hang out together like we used to. I would always make up an excuse, they got stupidier and stupidier as time passed, until i got tired and just started saying no. Eventually the calls came every week, then every month, then you got really upset, called me an inmature brat, ruining a friendship over something as stupid as a crush. Our friendship apparently meant nothing, since i could just throw it away like that. You coudn’t understand. i couldn’t understand either, how could you not see? Worst part is i still loved you, but i also hated you, and woman to woman hate came out on top. We stopped talking.

But i never stopped asking about you, you know? never stopped caring for you, not really.

I heard that you two were getting married.

Then i bumped into you at someone else’s party.

We should stay in contact you said, i should come to your wedding,
that stupid mess from years ago?
we should forget about it, leave the past behind.
It was all a kid’s game.

Maybe it was Francine.
Except i look at pictures of him and it still hurts.
Except i look at you two together and something sleeping inside of me wakes up and makes breathing and swallowing hard.

It was all a kid’s game.
Except we were no longer kids.
Except there were no rules and no one keeping score.
And no winner,
not really.

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6 thoughts on “Francine, Charlie and the impossible game.

  1. Such a heartfelt post, with more than it’s share of truths. Some heartaches you never get over; you get past. One thing’s for certain: For someone who feels so much, when you do find that one person who can cherish and appreciate your heart, it will have been worth waiting for. Trust me, I know. And you will too 😉

    1. Thank you very much, that is really nice of you to say. 🙂 I’m in an amazing relationship right now but still some old feelings are really hard to forget, even in a lifetime.

      1. That’s very true, Lula 🙂 And I’m glad to know you have someone amazing in your life. I really believe that as long as you’re true to yourself and your heart, we end up where we were meant to be. Even if, like me, you’re lousy with directions… 😉

  2. I’ve experienced something similar. A friendship lost, because somehow memories of heartbreak and pain always come to the fore. It’s almost like the past and present become entwined and you can’t untangle it no matter how much you want to. As you move forward in time the past keeps dragging along with it. You can be in other relationships and even be very happy, but it’s like an old sports injury that aches when the weather is cool and rainy. An irritating, constant reminder of a time when you weren’t quite good enough to win. Very moving post.

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